You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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