You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
