Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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