ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
