i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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