One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
