my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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