Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
