I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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