dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
