I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
there is glitter all over my balls
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