Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
