he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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