You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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