You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
