I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
