She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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