Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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