That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
