stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
