My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Is Oprah even human
Randomize
