I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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