The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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