i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
