i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
