I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
