my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
