The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
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I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
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Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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