its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
