Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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