Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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