Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
