Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
