You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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