did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
