Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
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He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
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Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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