I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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