you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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