your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just want to make out with him forever
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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