I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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