Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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