Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I am one with the molecules
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
