i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
