I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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