Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
