Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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