Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
