If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
