Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
