Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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