we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
