When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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