dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
