sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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