I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
This is classic penis vs brain.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Randomize
