I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
